Week 5 - Is That Hope I Feel?
Weight: 135.2
Mental State: Hopeful
Life: is a beautiful thing, huh
Another Monday? Could it be that I have my life together?
Anyway, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to be tracking my weight in terms of progress because I understand the nuances and complexities that is health and weight and the relationship they have.
But when I started I was about 143 kg. That was my peak weight in late June. It was the point where I felt the worst and it was the most I have ever weighed in my life. So I kind of mentally plotted out five goals.
Weigh less than 140 kg - CHECK
Weigh less than 130 kg
Weigh less than 120 kg
Weigh less than 110 kg
Weigh less than 100 kg
I think once I drop to that weight I want to think about health differently, change to a more sustainable vision. Understanding how to also increase my muscle mass and have a different type of body. But for now I think I need to keep the goals simple so I understand what’s happening.
So I know that 135 kg since June seems like a really, really slow burn. The truth is that I dropped a little, I went up, I dropped a little, I went up, and now I dropped to 135.2 kg And I’m so close to 133 kg which in my mind is another momentous thing. Dropping ten kilograms is big for me. And if I get there, I want to reward myself with something. Maybe a slice of pizza? I know how fucked up it is to be trying to be healthier and reward positive behaviour with something inherently bad for me like eating pizza. But also I don’t want to live a life where I can’t have some fun every now and then. So pizza it is.
I think about what it would mean to drop to a more reasonable weight. It’s so dumb but every time I sit down I wonder can this chair hold me? I can’t change light bulbs because I’m afraid that chairs will just crumble under my weight. And I can’t even fathom a life without that kind of pressure.
But today, this morning, I feel a little bit closer to that. I feel like I accomplished something, that’s not everything but is also not nothing.
So that’s it for today.
PS: I also started writing! Which is good. And I’m looking into classes? Who am I?
